Kyle Khachadurian:
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Emily Ladau:
Hi, I’m Emily Ladau.

Kyle Khachadurian:
And I’m Kyle Khachadurian.

Emily Ladau:
You look like you had to think about that for a second.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I have forgotten my name on occasion.

Emily Ladau:
And you are listening to another episode of The Accessible Stall.

Kyle Khachadurian:
What are we going to talk about today, Emily?

Emily Ladau:
I think we need to talk about the fact that we’re disabled 24/7, and sometimes we just need a break from that.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Okay. But do you realize that’s so ironic that we’re discussing this on our disability themed podcast?

Emily Ladau:
Yeah, I mean, okay, I did think about that. I also realized we’ve done what is it a hundred episodes talking about all things disability. And sometimes what if we just don’t want to talk about disability?

Kyle Khachadurian:
You mean to tell me that there are disabled people out there who are more than just their disabilities? I have never met one. You show me one right now.

Emily Ladau:
I am more than my disability. I won’t be defined by it.

Kyle Khachadurian:
What?

Emily Ladau:
I’m not a label.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Labels are for soup. Couldn’t even say it. Anyway, no, that’s a fantastic, wonderful topic because I feel that way all the time and I’m sure you do too.

Emily Ladau:
Yeah. I mean, look, I joke all the time that I’m a professional disabled person, like disabled 24/7. There’s no getting around that. I technically do take my wheelchair off at night so I can go to bed or I take myself off my wheelchair. You get my point.

Kyle Khachadurian:
You don’t sleep in that thing?

Emily Ladau:
Oh my gosh. There was a really funny video. I think the disability rights activist, Mia Ives-Rublee, made this video. Have you seen that video?

Kyle Khachadurian:
I think so. I’m pretty sure.

Emily Ladau:
It’s where they are in their wheelchair and then they put their wheelchair in the bed and then they sleep in the wheelchair in the bed. It’s so funny. I’m going to try to find it and link it. But anyway, I do not in fact sleep in my wheelchair, except for when I do because sometimes I recline it and take a nap, but we’re getting off track here. The point… What is my point? I’m disabled.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Even though we’re always disabled, we’re not always thinking and breathing and living… We’re always living it, but we’re not always dedicating every second of our life to it.

Emily Ladau:
I mean, I guarantee you, my mother would pause this right now while listening to it and be like, “Emily, you are so full of it” because all I do is talk about disability, but to be fair, it’s my job. But sometimes I really don’t want to think about disability.

Kyle Khachadurian:
It’s funny that you say it’s your job because part of the reason that thinking about disability on my off time bothers me is because to me, it’s my job too and so to me it feels like work. And I wonder if I would still feel that way if I didn’t also do work in a disability related field.

Emily Ladau:
Yeah. Well, hi, my name is Emily and I’m a workaholic, so I can’t help myself. I eat, sleep, and breathe disability because disability is part of me, but also so much of the work that I do, all of the work that I do, that I feel like I can’t escape it, but sometimes I just want to take off the activist hat and watch something. And maybe it’s even a little bit mildly against my activist barometer, but I don’t want to get into a rage spiral about it.

Kyle Khachadurian:
This is how inundated that I am with this. And I can’t speak for you, but I think I can. There’s certain things that in my past life before I did disability professionally, and I know that with time comes wisdom too, but there are things that bother me in media all the time that I know that me, the human underneath the disability doesn’t care about, but me the disabled human, this manifestation of me that you see, does care about it. And I have this internal fight with myself. It’s like it bothers me, but should it? And it’s like, yeah, but why is that subtracting from my enjoyment of whatever it is I’m watching. For example, most recently I was watching Yellow Jackets and there’s a scene in it where there’s an amputation that had to be medically done. And I was like, I don’t know why that bothers me, but it does from a disability standpoint because they kept treating the character differently after that. I don’t want to talk about that right now, except to say that you should all watch that.

Emily Ladau:
Everybody says that I should watch Yellow Jackets, but I need to challenge you here because you said something about the human under the disability and then [crosstalk 00:06:08] human.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I freaking knew it. I knew you were going to get me there.

Emily Ladau:
I mean, I actually don’t necessarily think that’s what you meant, but because we are a podcast and we have to entertain the listeners, I’m going to probe you here.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I knew it. I felt it as soon as it came out, I’m like, “Oh God, here we go.”

Emily Ladau:
Tell why you feel this way. Or don’t feel this way.

Kyle Khachadurian:
This reminds me of-

Emily Ladau:
Or don’t feel this way.

Kyle Khachadurian:
[crosstalk 00:06:40] …with my therapist. No, so what I meant was this was sort of an analogy. I don’t actually know if I feel that way. I’ve never actually given it much thought. This is the first time I’ve ever described it that way. If it turns out that I do actually feel this way, I will tell you in a future episode, but it was sort of an analogy to separate what makes me, me, like the core bits and the… I’m going to catch myself again. I’m about to do it again.

Kyle Khachadurian:
And the parts of me that are disabled and they’re distinct, but they’re not. And whether I choose to view things through that part of me. Obviously I’m one person, but it’s just interesting. I feel like that there are sometimes two sides to me. One of which is very, very acutely aware of how the world hates people like us and the other who knows that, but is also just a guy. And those two are fighting all the time. I know that’s a crude analogy because I am me. There’s one me, I am my disability and it is me, but it’s also part of me too.

Emily Ladau:
You’re multi-layered. You’re a multi-layer and I’m not trying to trap you into anything. I’m genuinely curious because-

Kyle Khachadurian:
I know. I know.

Emily Ladau:
… you know, some people see disability as inextricably linked to who they are in every part of them. And then other people only see it as one part of them that does not affect every other part of them.

Kyle Khachadurian:
No. See, I fight that battle every second of my life, because I understand both of those things. It is something that’s entirely part of me, but it is also one part of me. And it’s the one part of me that affects everything else that I do. It’s very weird. I mean, I know you know this, but it’s just, it’s not… I feel like the world pigeonholes me and I don’t want to be pigeonholed. You know? I don’t want to blame the world for this, but I’m going to a little bit-

Emily Ladau:
It’s their fault.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. You get it. Even though there’s a lot more to me than my CP, it undeniably affects every single thing I do to the point where if I didn’t have CP, I would not be sitting here right now in Seattle doing this podcast with you. And so that’s something that I genuinely… Struggle’s not the word because I don’t hate it because on the one hand, it’s kind of cool. But on the other hand, it’s like, “Eh,” you know?

Emily Ladau:
You know what? Yeah, so you and I are not… You and me, me and you. I’m having a grammar moment. The two of us.

Kyle Khachadurian:
The two of us.

Emily Ladau:
Are not friends because we are disabled. But if we were not disabled, we would not be friends.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yes, exactly.

Emily Ladau:
Because we met because we both were going to the same camp for kids with disabilities. So, therefore, it was our disabilities that led us to that moment of meeting.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Right. But our relationship has very little to do with the fact that we’re both disabled people. That’s just what was the icebreaker. I mean, we talk about it all the time. We do it for fun, like we’re doing right now. But if we never talked about disability again, we would still be friends. We would still have a relationship.

Emily Ladau:
Yeah. I don’t think people know that about us though.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. I know. Well, how can they?

Emily Ladau:
No, but I really think that because we have a disability podcast, we are disabled people and not disabled people who also have other external interests beyond talking about disability. Like, can you imagine if tomorrow we changed this from The Accessible Stall to like The Movie Theater and just started talking about movies that we watch? Everyone would be like, “What happened? You’re a whole person with interests?”

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah, you’re right. And in the context of the show, it doesn’t bother me because this is something that I love to do with you. When it’s your whole life, that gets tired. It gets annoying really quick. I’m already annoyed at myself when I ache like an 80 year old man at 9:00 in the morning. I don’t need it externally from the world too. No, I mean, come on. You know. You know.

Emily Ladau:
Of course, I know I had a horrible chronic pain day yesterday and it was affecting everything that I did. And I was like, “I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to think about this.”

Kyle Khachadurian:
It’s just annoying because I find myself almost on occasion doing it to myself because I hang out with people who also talk a lot about disability and it’s not their fault. That’s your interest, that’s your interest. More power to you, but it’s just like, “Oh man, there’s more to life than this.” But at the same time for us like, “No, there isn’t.” I mean, obviously there is. There’s other things in life other than being disabled, but it is what we are. It is who we are.

Emily Ladau:
You know what was a really great moment that I had the other day? I was doing an interview for another podcast. And prior to the interview, the co-hosts asked me if there were things that I wanted to talk about that I don’t usually get asked about on podcasts. And so I said straight up, “I’m not just disabled. There’s other things that I’m interested in. Let’s talk about other things.”

Emily Ladau:
And I care very deeply about, for example, disability representation in those things that I’m interested in. So a perfect example is I love theater. I love seeing live theater. I love going to shows. I love watching movie adaptations of theater. I love going to random offbeat shows in the basement of a random place in New York City. And I love going to Broadway. I love theater. Now, it brings me great joy to see disability represented in theater, but I don’t necessarily go to theater because of disability. It is a thing that I enjoy that is outside the realm of activism, but every single time I’m at a show and disability comes up even tangentially-

Kyle Khachadurian:
Exactly. That’s exactly what I was about to say to you.

Emily Ladau:
… it snaps me out of my… I’m enjoying this for entertainment’s sake and now I’m like, “Oh, representation. Let’s think about it. Let’s unpack it. Let’s talk about it.”

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. Yeah. And the sad part about that is, unfortunately, due to the extreme lack of good representation in every form of media that we have, it’s usually not good, the analysis that you almost instinctively have to do.

Emily Ladau:
Yeah. Or when it is good, I get real excited about it. And then I get all like, I can’t stop thinking about it and I want to talk about it and oh, maybe I should write about it and I should tweet about it and I should tell other people about it. And then I can no longer just enjoy things for enjoyment’s sake. And suddenly it’s become an activism thing.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah.

Emily Ladau:
But damn, I just wanted to see a play.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. That’s exactly it.

Emily Ladau:
But this points to the fact that. Like it or not. Disability is… I don’t know if this is exactly what it points to, but it’s inherently political and it inherently relates to everything. I always tell people that every issue is a disability issue because every issue is related to disabled people and impacts disabled people. So therefore you can’t just cut disability out of the equation. But sometimes I want to because I’m tired, but then someone’s going to tell me, and rightfully so, that it’s a privilege if I don’t have to think about it all the time. So, I just want to acknowledge that.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Well, of course, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not, I don’t want to say good, but it’s like I still want to do it.

Emily Ladau:
What? Give yourself a break?

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. I mean, I do all the time. I’m not saying this as someone who’s burnt out and overworked even though I am. But I say that as someone who… I really do feel like you and I would be having a slightly different conversation if we both didn’t do this for a job. You know what I feel like it, I think, I don’t know, but I feel like it must be like when some other person in a profession sees their profession depicted in the movies or on a TV show. It’s never right. It’s never right. And, well, no, but like, you know.

Emily Ladau:
You’re totally right. Like if a doctor is watching a medical show.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. And I know that’s only the media representation aspect of what we’re talking about, but that’s sort of a really neat little microcosm of the issue that I’m trying to make people who don’t have disabilities understand. If you’re a chef and you see a scene on a TV show that involves cooking, it’s probably going to make you mad. You know, it’s just not correct.

Emily Ladau:
Right. Like the chopping technique is terrible.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah.

Emily Ladau:
Nobody watch me cook. I’m not very good at chopping.

Kyle Khachadurian:
And if you’re a doctor, any medical show. This is where the medical community and the disabled community can have some solidarity is the inaccuracy of The Good Doctor.

Emily Ladau:
I could not bring myself to watch that show. Although I’ve heard it’s kind of a representation nightmare.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I mean, what isn’t? But, yeah.

Emily Ladau:
Do you watch it?

Kyle Khachadurian:
No. No. Of course not. No, I don’t like medical shows and I think portrayals of autism are almost always terrible. So between those two things… I do like Scrubs.

Emily Ladau:
I keep trying to watch that every once in a while because you told me I should.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I don’t like it as much as Ted Lasso, which is his other show.

Emily Ladau:
I’m very afraid to say this, but I’m going to publicly admit I didn’t get Ted Lasso.

Kyle Khachadurian:
No, that breaks my heart. I love it so much.

Emily Ladau:
Maybe I need to try again, but you know what I’m watching right now? I’m watching Scandal.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Oh, yeah?

Emily Ladau:
Yeah. I’m watching Scandal.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I’m watching a lot of stuff.

Emily Ladau:
And it’s dramatic. Well, I’m watching other things too. My parents and I watched Inventing Anna, that show on Netflix about…

Kyle Khachadurian:
We got to finish that.

Emily Ladau:
Oh man. Actually I’ve like never been so annoyed by every single character in a show.

Kyle Khachadurian:
How you’re feeling right now is how the whole country felt in March of 2020 watching Tiger King. It’s true.

Emily Ladau:
We couldn’t get into that either. I watched one episode and I was like, “Forget it.”

Kyle Khachadurian:
People always say white people don’t have culture. Yes, they do and it is Tiger King, baby.

Emily Ladau:
Ugh, not me. Cannot watch. Will not watch. And-

Kyle Khachadurian:
So good.

Emily Ladau:
We’re also watching because I love, I guess, watching criminal behavior on TV. This is terrible. The show on Hulu about Theranos and Elizabeth Holmes. I

Kyle Khachadurian:
I just… Yeah, that’s on my list. I’ve seen everything. I’ve seen all the documentaries about her. I’m obsessed with that woman. I think she is a sight to behold.

Emily Ladau:
It’s fascinating.

Kyle Khachadurian:
It’s crazy.

Emily Ladau:
I love a good scam though.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah, no, me too. I’m all about that.

Emily Ladau:
I watched both documentaries on Fyre Festival.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Me too. Okay. This is it. This is good content.

Emily Ladau:
But see, okay, but this is the thing. People, I feel like don’t know what I am into beyond talking about disability. Especially me, because I do it all the time. But ask me other questions. I would like to talk about other things.

Kyle Khachadurian:
What is your personal feelings on Ja Rule?

Emily Ladau:
Am I supposed to have feelings on Ja Rule? Was he the one who was involved in the Fyre fraud?

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah, he was the rapper and then there was some yuppy white guy.

Emily Ladau:
Yeah. I can’t remember his name, but he actually shows up in Inventing Anna for a minute.

Kyle Khachadurian:
No, he doesn’t. Are you serious?

Emily Ladau:
Yeah, he does. Yeah. They know each other.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Oh, that’s amazing. Oh my God. Of course, they do. Okay.

Emily Ladau:
That’s not a spoiler.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I bet it’s not.

Emily Ladau:
I feel like his name is Billy.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yes, it is. Billy something.

Emily Ladau:
Whatever. Billy sucks. But look, I love watching crime shows and I love political dramas. Like I said, I love theater. Weird, offbeat, give it to me. Love it. I really like food journalism. I love reading about food.

Kyle Khachadurian:
You do? Food?

Emily Ladau:
Yeah. See, you don’t even know that. I just totally realized it the other day.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I knew everything else that you said. Here’s something you might not know about me. I’ve seen every episode of Criminal Minds.

Emily Ladau:
I did not know that. See, look at us learning things about each other.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Have you?

Emily Ladau:
No, I’ve never seen a single one.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Oh, that’s a good one. If you, yeah…

Emily Ladau:
But okay. Tell us about your other interests. I’m about to start naming your hobbies, but you just do it.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I mean, I love video games.

Emily Ladau:
How about the fish?

Kyle Khachadurian:
I love fish. Oh God. I love fish. I have so many fish you guys. I have like a million fish.

Emily Ladau:
And it’s actually delightful.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. But see, this is the thing. In this context, our listeners are probably like, “What the hell? Who cares? We listen to you guys because you’re the disabled podcast,” and that’s totally valid and you’re correct. But what you, as a listener, don’t understand is we have to, when we’re not doing the show, this is still all we get to talk about because of lives we live and the jobs that we do and it’s kind of exhausting.

Emily Ladau:
Yeah. And sometimes I just want Kyle to send me pictures from his fish tank.

Kyle Khachadurian:
See, but this is how deep this goes, guys, because I did do that. And the first one that I sent her, one that she did not ask for-

Emily Ladau:
Was a disabled fish. Sorry, I didn’t mean to finish your sentence, but I was just thinking the same thing.

Kyle Khachadurian:
No, I’m very happy that you did.

Emily Ladau:
He literally goes, “This is my disabled fish.”

Kyle Khachadurian:
If that doesn’t illustrate how permeated this is into our beings, I honest to God don’t know what will.

Emily Ladau:
But I wanted to see your blue shrimp. That was what I wanted to see. And then I got like-

Kyle Khachadurian:
I sent those too, didn’t I?

Emily Ladau:
Yeah, you did.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Okay, good.

Emily Ladau:
But the point is I got the whole grand tour of the fish tank and it included the disabled fish because we can’t not talk about disabled everything.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yep. Yep.

Emily Ladau:
I don’t know.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I find it annoying. I just recently, a couple months ago, I finished The Dragon Prince and that’s a great cartoon on Netflix. It’s wonderful. It’s an adult cartoon. It’s not a cartoon for adults where they do like raunchy crap. It is a cartoon that is for adults to watch that has in-depth story about like war and stuff, and there’s so much in it. And I watched it all and I can’t wait for the next season. And the only thing that I can remember is that there is a deaf character and that is cool because her interpreter, her right hand man is using real ASL. Who cares? I mean, to any person watching that, that is a nice, cute, amazing little detail. Look at the care they put into their show. To us, that’s like, holy [inaudible 00:24:03], they really went all out on this. And that’s, oh God, it’s so annoying that because it’s so good and that’s all I care about.

Emily Ladau:
See, maybe the thing is that we need to go back to blaming this on the world, because if it wasn’t such a big freaking deal to see stuff like this, then we wouldn’t be thinking about it all the time.

Kyle Khachadurian:
True.

Emily Ladau:
But we have these little incremental wins and I just always feel the inclination like I’m supposed to be celebrating them, which I do. I do. I really don’t want anybody to mistake this episode for us complaining about positive disability representation or saying that we don’t want to be disabled because it’s neither of those things. It’s just sometimes I wish there was an off switch in my brain so that I didn’t see everything through that lens and I could give myself a mental break.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I think for me too, the annoying thing is I don’t… How do I say this in a way that doesn’t sound contradictory to everything I just said? I know that I am a disabled person. And so does everyone in my life. But when I look in the mirror, I’m not like, “Hey, what’s up, you disabled guy?” You know? That doesn’t come to… I do not. You know what I mean? I don’t live my life… I mean, I am a disabled person and that is my life, but from this side of my eyes, I’m not doing that. And so when people do it to me, it’s like, “Oh yeah, right, yeah. I’m disabled. That’s right. Oops. I almost forgot.”

Emily Ladau:
I remember you’ve said before, like when you catch yourself walking in a reflection.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah, yeah. I don’t like it. It’s weird.

Emily Ladau:
It’s funny because you’re absolutely right. I am disabled. It is within me. It is me. But when I look in a mirror, I’m not like, “What’s up wheelchair user?”

Kyle Khachadurian:
Exactly. It’s what I mean. And maybe there are disabled people, it wouldn’t even surprise me if there were tons of them that they do that. And that is, not literally, but being disabled is that important to them. Right? But I just don’t and it doesn’t mean it’s not important to me. It’s just that when it’s put upon me by things that are outside of my control, I get a bit of cognitive dissonance for a second. I’m like, “Oh yeah, right. Hmm. That’s a thing that I have. That’s a thing that I am.”

Emily Ladau:
Exactly. Like, I’ll be snapped back to reality. If I go somewhere, we can’t get a copyright [inaudible 00:27:05]. Wait, this is not YouTube. Anyway, so it does make me snap back into this head space. So I’ll be enjoying myself and then somebody will make a rude comment or I’ll be just hanging out, watching a movie. Like I was watching a movie with my boyfriend over the weekend and it was some Japanese mob movie or gangster movie, and there was a plot line about how one of the guys marries this woman who is the daughter of a really wealthy business owner and she’s disabled. And the brother of this woman is all up arms because he feels like his poor disabled sister is just being taken advantage of, and I’m sitting here and I’m like, “I am watching some random 1960s black and white Japanese gangster film and now I’m thinking about disability.”

Kyle Khachadurian:
Can’t get away from it, Emily. Can’t get away from it. Just follows you everything.

Emily Ladau:
And it’s funny because Eli knows me well enough, he immediately looks at me when something like that comes up, just to see my face. And that’s great because it means he recognizes that this is a valuable part of my identity and it’s something that I care about and I’m interested in, but let me watch my gangster movie.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. Yeah.

Emily Ladau:
Someone’s going to get mad at me. Someone’s going to get mad at us for this episode. I can’t quite articulate why.

Kyle Khachadurian:
It just feels like the world is tokenizing you. Not you. Us, me. I’m speaking for myself. But it just feels like that’s what it feels like to me. When I do that, I can’t help but feel… I just can’t help it. It’s like, “Oh yeah. The disabled guy who’s watching this, they’re going to like that.” I know that’s not what they’re doing. I know what they’re doing is way worse. I know what they’re doing is either they’re trying to gain pity out of an audience or some other emotion. Sometimes it’s done well, but I’m not talking about those times. It just feels very off to me and I wish that it didn’t. You know what it feels like, kind of? You ever watch something that has very obvious product placement?

Emily Ladau:
Oh yeah. All the time.

Kyle Khachadurian:
It feels like that. Like disabled storylines and stuff, it always feels like, “And this is sponsored by Pepsi.” And like, “Here’s the disabled person.”

Emily Ladau:
Well, especially in more modern media, because I feel like they’re like, “Look at all this diversity.”

Kyle Khachadurian:
I know. It’s not like I don’t like diversity in a TV show. I’m so not one of those people, but it’s like, there have been more shows featuring disabled characters on Netflix in the past five years than there ever was before. And that is great. Objectively great. I am so here for that. Bonus points if they’re played by actual disabled actors, but then you watch them and it’s like they don’t do anything. They’re just, they’re either there to be disabled. Well, that’s what they’re there for. I misspoke. When they do nothing, if they’re just a disabled guy and then they get rejected on the date because they had a bad date and the girl didn’t like them, I’m like, “Yes, you didn’t say anything about the fact that he has no legs. That’s awesome. I love that.” You know?

Emily Ladau:
I get it. So, yeah.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I’m sorry. I’m all over the place.

Emily Ladau:
So, when the disabled person is just… No, but I follow you. If the disabled person is there and their disability is not being used to further the plot.

Kyle Khachadurian:
As a plot device. Yes.

Emily Ladau:
But they’re a disabled person who happens to be…

Kyle Khachadurian:
I love that.

Emily Ladau:
Yeah. I get it.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. That’s great. It never happens. But watch Lock and Key.

Emily Ladau:
Lock and Key?

Kyle Khachadurian:
You wouldn’t like it and you actually shouldn’t watch it. But that happens there. There’s a character with no legs and that’s it. He’s just a character and it’s great. I’ve never seen better representation. I’m like, “Hell yes.” They don’t-

Emily Ladau:
Wait, why wouldn’t I like it, though?

Kyle Khachadurian:
… make it a plot.

Emily Ladau:
This is important.

Kyle Khachadurian:
No, it’s not. It’s just not your thing. It’s like sci-fi.

Emily Ladau:
Oh yeah. No, you know my tastes. Okay. I trust you, but…

Kyle Khachadurian:
You’d love the representation, I’m sure.

Emily Ladau:
Yeah, sure. I get excited about that, but I’m not going to force myself to watch something just for the representation. I mean, someone out there going to be like, “Wow, you ungrateful people. You get representation and you get what you get and you should just be happy about it.” But like, no. I just, I don’t want it to be tokenistic. What is this episode about? I don’t know anymore.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Just being disabled is so… I know that last episode was “Disabled bodies are weird”. Okay? This one is not just about our bodies, okay? This one is “Being disabled is weird”. This one is, you are acutely aware of how inaccessible the world is. You are acutely aware of how much the world doesn’t like you. You are acutely aware of how special everyone thinks you are all the time. And everything that comes with it. It’s just bizarre because, I don’t even… I just spent the last 33 minutes trying to articulate why and I don’t know if I can. It’s so… I feel like I’m wearing a scarlet letter. I feel like there’s something everyone else can see about me. I mean, I know I walk different. I get that. I know that I do look different, but it’s just the world’s not for people with scarlet letters and it’s not for us. Right? I don’t know.

Emily Ladau:
And yet we exist in the world and we’re just trying to live our lives.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yes. Yes.

Emily Ladau:
Yeah. This one’s hard for me because I really do think, eat, sleep and breathe disability all the time.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Me too. But that’s kind of the point. It’s like, sometimes I forget what I like to do.

Emily Ladau:
You know what I like to do? I like to write about disability. I like to podcast about disability. I like to complain about disability. I like to celebrate disability.

Kyle Khachadurian:
But, we’re doing this. I don’t see this as me podcasting about disability, even though that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m hanging out with my friend, Emily, and we’re doing a podcast. You know? This doesn’t feel like work, but I hear and agree with your point. And I’m sad that you don’t like Ted Lasso because Roy Kent was recently on Sesame Street with Oscar The Grouch. And you didn’t like it and that’s fine, but I wish you did, because then I could share that with you and you would like it as much as I do.

Emily Ladau:
I do feel we need to talk about the fact that Oscar is pretty great though.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Oscar is pretty great.

Emily Ladau:
If I had a Muppet who I felt embodied my attitude, I don’t think people would actually think that I’m Oscar, but [inaudible 00:34:47] Oscar.

Kyle Khachadurian:
No, I’m Oscar. I am Oscar. I am Oscar The Grouch.

Emily Ladau:
But also maybe a little bit Elmo. Not you, me.

Kyle Khachadurian:
You, right?

Emily Ladau:
Or Zoe.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Oh yeah.

Emily Ladau:
I love Sesame Street.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Me too. Sesame Workshop is-

Emily Ladau:
[inaudible 00:35:08] rabbit hole.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Hey guys, did you know that Emily was on Sesame Street that one time?

Emily Ladau:
Because I’m disabled. It all comes back to that. Why? I don’t know what this episode was, but it was a little bit liberating.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yep. I feel like any disabled person who listens to this is going to understand and any non-disabled person who listens to this is going to stop listening to our show.

Emily Ladau:
Stick with us. I promise it’ll not always be like this. I think we’re just in this weird moment right now where real talk can be messy.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. Final takeaways? You got some?

Emily Ladau:
I guess my final takeaway is I am disabled and I don’t want you to ignore that. And I don’t want you to erase that, but I also want you to recognize that it is not the only aspect of my life or my interests or my identity. And even though it shapes everything and it shapes how I experience the world and how people perceive me, that doesn’t mean that I want to be reduced to some One Note caricature of a person, because there’s so much more to me than my disability. And I don’t mean like, “I am more than my disability. I will overcome my disability.” It’s not like that. I literally mean, “I am a robust, complex human being. And disability happens to be a part of that. So I don’t want you to forget my humanity because you’re only focusing on one aspect of my identity, even if it is a very big, noticeable aspect of my identity.”

Kyle Khachadurian:
Literally perfect. Could not have said that better. In fact, every time I was thinking of something to follow that up with, that was literally the next sentence you said. Bravo. That’s the Instagram quote for this episode.

Emily Ladau:
Well, you’re welcome. So, no final takeaways from you then?

Kyle Khachadurian:
I just think that me having a disability is a small part of who I am, that happens to be the most impactful part of who I am or at least how I interact with the world. And it annoys me that other people don’t see that. But that’s partly also me because we do this for a living. And so maybe it’s a little bit of an introspective final takeaway.

Emily Ladau:
Nah, I get it, like see my disability, but don’t just see my disability. I don’t know. I have to think on that one. There’s some [crosstalk 00:38:15].

Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah, something like that, but like catchier. You know, catchier in a way that a nonprofit might adopt it as a slogan and run with it.

Emily Ladau:
No, see, but then I’d be really annoyed if anybody was ever like, “See me.”

Kyle Khachadurian:
That’s true.

Emily Ladau:
“Don’t just see my disability.” I’d be like, “Oh my God.”

Kyle Khachadurian:
The problem with those is they never say “just.” It’s always “See me, not my disability.” If they said, “See me, just not,” you know, if it was like, “I’m more than just,” I would have a lot less of a problem with that, but it’s always like, I can’t be both. It’s either I’m a person or I’m a disabled person, which means I’m a human equivalent of a house plant. It’s never disabled people can’t have personality, Emily, it’s against the rules.

Emily Ladau:
I also feel like I have seen, and I couldn’t pinpoint where, the whole, “You are more than your disability.” Oh, maybe it’s like a Paralympics thing.

Kyle Khachadurian:
But I am and they’re cool. I love the Paralympics. I’ve never watched them because I don’t like sports, but I love the idea behind the Paralympics. These are disabled people who are the best at what they do and it’s awesome. But the only thing people care about is that they’re disabled, and that’s what bothers me. I know that’s the point, but they’re top tier athletes. They’re only not in the Olympics so that they can compete with other disabled people and have a fair fight. There’s a big difference.

Emily Ladau:
I have so many complex thoughts on the Paralympics and we can probably do a whole episode on that.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Have I ever sent you that video about the team that lied to be a part of the Special Olympics, not the Paralympics, and they weren’t actually disabled? It was a team of able bodied people who like lied to qualify for the Special Olympics.

Emily Ladau:
Why would you ever do that? Why would you ever be that kind of a jerk?

Kyle Khachadurian:
Oh man, I got to send you this. Okay. Nevermind. All right. I’ll send you this off when we’re done.

Emily Ladau:
Oh man. Well now I’m all riled up. Anyway, this was 40 minutes of Kyle and I giving each other a therapy session. So, if you want to support The Accessible Stall and help make sure that every episode is accessible, what can they do?

Kyle Khachadurian:
Oh my God. They can go to patreon.com/theaccessiblestall. Just $1 a month ensures that each, every, and all the future episodes remain accessible. And by that we mean we transcribe them. Yeah, do that if you can and if you’re willing and able. See you next time and you look good today.

Emily Ladau:
I’m thinking about willing and able now.

Kyle Khachadurian:
I don’t want to talk about that. By that, I mean, I desperately want to talk about that, but we’re ending this episode.

Emily Ladau:
I’m kidding. I’m kidding. I was just… You know, I don’t know what I’m doing any more.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Willing as in you want to, and you’re able, as in you have the financial means to, but if you’re able as in not able bodied, but you still have the financial means to, you should still do it. In fact, you should do it more than anybody. Good night, everybody.

Emily Ladau:
You really do look good today. I know Kyle said it already, but man, you look fabulous.

Kyle Khachadurian:
Literally you’re 10 out of 10 so hot. Okay.

Emily Ladau:
Thanks so much for listening.

Kyle Khachadurian:
“Til next time.

Emily Ladau:
Bye.