Emily Ladau 
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Kyle Khachadurian
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Emily Ladau
Hi, I’m Emily Ladau
Kyle Khachadurian
And I’m Kyle Khachadurian
Emily Ladau
And you’re listening to another episode of The Accessible Stall.
Kyle Khachadurian
What are we going to talk about today, Emily?
Emily Ladau
I stories for you.
Kyle Khachadurian
Oh my god. A storytime episode
I love these.
Emily Ladau
Yes. And both of them have to do with language. Because of course, they do
Kyle Khachadurian
That’s all we talk about here in The Accessible Stall.
Emily Ladau
Well, okay, less about language and more about people saying things and how they can be interpreted. So here’s the first story.
Today I went to a women’s hockey game with my boyfriend. And we were in New Jersey, we get off the train. And he had been looking for the conductor to get the bridge plate so that I could get out of the train, right.
And when we found the conductor and I got off the train, this woman looks at me and goes, “good job!”
And Eli goes, “uh-oh.”
And, I was like…
Kyle Khachadurian
That’s how you know he’s good. He just was like, “Oh boy, you’ve done it. You’ve done it now, lady! You don’t even know!”
Emily Ladau
So I was like,
“good job, getting off the train?”
Kyle Khachadurian
I don’t LIVE on this train.
Emily Ladau
And she goes, “No, good job finding the conductor. We weren’t sure how you were going to get off the train.” So what she said wasn’t nearly as bad as what I thought it was going to be. But it occurred to me that I am now always so hyped up about things that people say to me that I’m immediately ready to assume the worst.
Kyle Khachadurian
I’m going to give you a little bit of credit. As much as I hate to do this. I don’t actually hate to do this. That would mean, even with her best intentions, that she was watching you the whole time. She was staring you on the train going to her husband or grandkid. Or whatever. Whoever was there.
Emily Ladau
I think it was her husband, yeah.
Kyle Khachadurian
And you know that she was like leaning over. Like, “how is that cripped person gonna get off the train? Oh my God, is she gonna be okay?”
Emily Ladau
See, I think that it was possible that she knew that I needed a conductor to assist me, but that she wasn’t particularly sure how I was going to flag down the conductor. So maybe she was just impressed that we got ourselves help. I don’t know what the story was. But the one time that I am so ready to clap back and be like, “there is nothing that requireS you to tell me. I did a good job getting off the train.” I was ready.
Kyle Khachadurian
She was like I was being nice, but like, ACTUALLY, and you’re like, “ah s***!”
I had it all here.
Emily Ladau
So Eli was like “Man, that would have been national news for a nuclear meltdown.” Like, yeah, you’re right. But I stopped myself. Although she I think she was a little taken aback because she heard my tone of voice. But then again, like, usually “good job”, to me, indicates that you’re being patronizing. And she still was being patronizing, just not in the way that I expected.
Kyle Khachadurian
I mean, you got ON the train
Emily Ladau
Right?!
Kyle Khachadurian
I don’t know. I mean, maybe I’m a little jaded. But…
Emily Ladau
Well, it actually connects to another thing that happened, which was not even the original story I was going to tell and isn’t really much of a story, but just tangentially related. I was waiting for the train earlier in the day before the good job comment. And I’m just sitting there, me and my boyfriend are waiting outside the train. We had already talked to the conductor and already discussed that the conductor was going to go get the bridge plate and come back and assist us. A man walks by looks right at me, and goes, “you know, you probably need to go get the conductor so that he can help you get on the train.” And I was just like, “I know!” I’ve just… I have just had it.
Kyle Khachadurian
Aw man!
See, I mess with those people. I can’t help it. It’s like, I just cannot. “do I? can you show me where he is?!”
“Oh, it’s a lady. How weird is that?! Oh, wow. Thank you, sir. I’ve never seen a lady conductor before. You, sir, have opened my eyes. And now I can get on this train!” Like, I have done stuff like that. Like, it’s just, I can’t help it. Like I had a guy once show me how to use a soda fountain. And I’m just playing into like, “Whoa, I’ve never seen that many sodas come out of a thing before!” I just can’t help it.
Emily Ladau
I feel like that’s my impulse. But I mean, there was a point in time not too long ago, where I had no ability to clap back at someone as soon as they made a comment to me. And so instead, I would just like, brush it off, or give a little “hehehe” and like, go on my way, and then let it fester the rest of the night and up so mad about it. And now I finally reached the point where I will defend myself…
Kyle Khachadurian
And he can’t even use your newfound skills. You’ve been honing this for, like your whole life. And you’re like, you’re not even looking forward to it… actually, no, like, a sick little part of you is, you’re like, “Okay, here. Next time someone says something, I’m ready.” And it happens. And it’s like, all good intentions all the way down. And it’s like, “aw man!”
Emily Ladau
Yeah, and I guess it’s not even so much that I want to snap at people. It’s just been a really for once wanna go out in public and not be subjected to whatever comments people decide to spew at me, or unsolicited offers of help. And it’s just… it seems like people think that I don’t know how to handle my life. Which is even more interesting when I’m literally standing next to a tall able-bodied man.
Kyle Khachadurian
Oh, yea, right?
Emily Ladau
They STILL don’t think I can handle my life.
Kyle Khachadurian
That’s a good, that’s a good point. Because I mean, I, I can kind of see how it come off. Like, “oh, woman in a wheelchair doing things. That’s interesting.” And I understand why people might think that you don’t know what you’re doing. Or you can’t, they can’t believe that you’re doing it. Even though like, I obviously know that you can. But when you have someone there like a big able bodied man, I like how much more do they need to know that you’re capable, or at least capable of getting the help you need to do stuff? It’s so weird. It also like, okay, so they assume that about you, right? What are they going to do except give you vague directions as to how to do stuff you’ve already done.
Emily Ladau
I mean, in the case of a train, someone can flag down a conductor for me. Sure.
Kyle Khachadurian
Oh, that’s true
Emily Ladau
I am grateful for that help. I have accepted it before. But
I guess it’s just the way that people offer. Sometimes, someone will see me rolling frantically on the train platform, trying to find the window where the conductor is. Because even though they’re supposed to be in the same spot, sometimes they’re not. And this person, will just be like, “Oh, you’re looking for a conductor? Do you want help?” So it’s just this like, “I see what you’re doing. I can assist you” Not like, do you know that you need to go get a conductor? Like, don’t talk to me like that!
Kyle Khachadurian
Why do they always talk like that? It’s that is such a ubiquitous thing in our world, the special person voice.
Emily Ladau
Yeah, but it’s because of this ableist is notion that, first of all, anyone who’s visibly physically disabled must also have a cognitive disability. And the people with cognitive disabilities need to be spoken to like that. So it’s this like two fold ableist thing.
Kyle Khachadurian
It boggles the mind.
Emily Ladau
Anyway. So that was short story number one. But now, to switch gears a little bit here, the story about something that I did that I’ve been questioning. So… and the reason that this all relates is because I am so often picking apart people for what they say, I wonder if I did something the other day that now there’s a family picking me apart at their dinner table.
So my parents and I went out to dinner at the diner. And when we finished eating, we were heading out the door. And there was a family walking in, and they had a young boy who appeared to have Down Syndrome. And so he reaches up to his father, that sort of thing that young children do when they indicate that they want to be carried. But the thing is that he was very clearly not like the age where you carry your child anymore. I think he was probably more like 9 or 10, not like 3 or 4. And so his dad was like, “Oh, really? Come on”, you know, but of course, pick the kid up. So I looked at my dad and started making the hand motion. And I was like “me too, me too, pick me up too!” And the mother of the boy kind of gave like a “hehe”
Kyle Khachadurian
Ooh
Emily Ladau
And in that moment, I was like, “Oh, my God, am I that person?”
Kyle Khachadurian
You are! Oh, that’s terrible. I love it. Oh, that’s great. I mean, it’s horrible. But I just I love when you’re fallible. It makes me so happy.
I’m sorry. That happened to you. That’s awful.
Emily Ladau
No, don’t be sorry. Like,
Kyle Khachadurian
I AM sorry!
I could still have empathy for you. That’s, that’s hila–. Man, what I wouldn’t have given to be a fly on the wall of that diner. Oh, my God.
Emily Ladau
And
So I was talking about it with my parents. And my mom thinks that because we clearly saw that I was in a wheelchair, they should have somehow deduced that I had no ill intent. But then again,
Kyle Khachadurian
Nonsense!
Emily Ladau
And, the thing is…
Kyle Khachadurian
That would have
been that would have been ableist, it’s like, “oh, the poor girl in a wheelchair doesn’t realize she’s making fun of our son.”
Emily Ladau
And the thing is that I wasn’t making fun of him night actually, with just like, making a joke. But like, my attempt to be like, haha, funny with probably so annoying to them. Because… especially if he’s the kind of kid who does that a lot in public, where he asks to be picked up, you know, like, in the same way that I’m constantly getting the comments where it’s like, “you’re going to get a speeding ticket for that thing”, or “who’s gonna win the race?” Like, I get those all the time. And people think they’re funny, and they’ve never heard it before. I’m pretty sure I thought I was being funny. And they never heard that before.
Kyle Khachadurian
Yeah. Oh, no, it’s so awkward.
Emily Ladau
And so the shoe is like on the other foot now. And I have just been mulling this over because for someone who is like, ready to throw down when someone said, “good job” to me on the train platform. I’m so unsettled that I probably did that to another family.
Kyle Khachadurian
We all make mistakes.
Emily Ladau
But I should do better.
Kyle Khachadurian
Everyone should know bette,r you’re a person, it happens.
Emily Ladau
Or am I overthinking it? Honest opinion.
Kyle Khachadurian
I mean, I think that the whole purpose of this podcast is to overthink little things and put them into perspective of large issues. So yes, You’re overthinking it. But objectively, I have to say that I think you raise yourself a good point.
Emily Ladau
I think that the exact same thing that other people do to diffuse a moment where disabilities involved I did to someone else. And I mean, I’m not patting myself on the back for the self awareness here. Like, I don’t deserve a cookie. I just, I’ve been beating myself up about it. Like, I never want to be that person for someone. I never want to be the person who sends someone home to the dinner table or to a podcast recording session and is like, “do you know what this b**** said today?
Kyle Khachadurian
You know
what’s funny?! What if the mom like wasn’t giving you a pass? Like, what if you really are the topic of their dinner conversation? And then that’s exactly what the mom is saying, “honey, I swear. This happens to us everywhere. And I just… this young woman in a wheelchair and she looks very educated and she’s with her family. And I swear to God, you know, if she doesn’t get it, Jim, who will?
Emily Ladau
Yeah, no, honestly, I hope she said that because like,
Kyle Khachadurian
I mean,
I’m just busting your chops, but like,
Emily Ladau
No, like I was wrong!
Kyle Khachadurian
Yeah, you were, but I’m not gonna beat you up for it. I think that that just shows that you’re human. I’m not. I’m not here to–I don’t do that. Oh, that’s really awkward, though. That is really awkward, though.
Emily Ladau
Yeah. And I literally got in the car after dinner. And I was like, “Oh, my God!” and would not stop talking about it. Like for the rest of the night.
Kyle Khachadurian
Ugh, that is awful.
Emily Ladau
Because, I think I’m so quick to be like, “Oh, you want to make a smart little comment to me? Well, here’s what I think of you!” that you forget that everyone is capable of doing stuff like that. I’m not giving other people are free pass either. Like,
Kyle Khachadurian
Well, if you’re not going to give yourself one, you shouldn’t give other one. But I mean, I don’t know. I… it’s going to happen. We’re all falliable.
Emily Ladau
Have you ever done this? Have you ever been in this situation? I know, I’m like putting you on the spot to think of an example.
Kyle Khachadurian
Awkward disability moments? Oh, yeah. I mean, I can give you one at the moment. But sure. Absolutely. You ever try to shake the hand of a guy that doesn’t have any? I have. I mean, like, really. It just, it happens. It happens.
Emily Ladau
See, but that’s less a matter of like, you should know better and more like, so you extended your hand and you did what you thought was like a natural thing in the moment, but it’s how you respond to it. Like, do you get weird about it
Kyle Khachadurian
No, just like oops.
Emily Ladau
Yeah. Oh, my gosh, my dad went to go shake the hand of, actually the president and CEO of your school.
Kyle Khachadurian
Oh,
no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
For those who don’t know, he does not have any limbs. And he uses four prostheses
Emily Ladau
Specifically hooks.
Kyle Khachadurian
Yes.
Emily Ladau
Awesome guy. By the way. This has nothing to do with the story, but I just wanna point out that I really like him.
Kyle Khachadurian
Me too.
Emily Ladau
So I was at this like award ceremony. And he was there and I knew him already. So my dad went to go, like, introduce himself. He reaches out his hand…
And this guy reaches out his hook and you can see my dad calculating in his head like, “do I take the hook? What do I do? Oh my God.”
Oh, my God. And then afterwards, I guess this is somewhat related because then afterwards he was talking to me about it forever. He was like “did I handle that okay. With I supposed to reach out to shake his hand? Was it okay, that I touched his hook?” like oh my God.
Kyle Khachadurian
you know, but I mean, social faux pas happen. I think it I think like you said, it’s all in the matter of…
Nothing is awkward if you handle it good, or well, rather.
Emily Ladau
Really?
I disagree. There are some things that are just super awkward.
Kyle Khachadurian
Yeah. Okay. Inherently sure. But I’m, it’s up to you whether or not you want to make it worse. You either take it on the chin and you just go “Ah, alright”. Or, or you do whatever it is that people do. And they make things worse.
Emily Ladau
Yeah, you could just be like, Oh, my God, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Like,
Kyle Khachadurian
If you apologize
too much. You’re just totally like, that doesn’t even help.
Emily Ladau
I was half ready to turn around and go back into the diner, find that family at their table and be like, “Listen, I just need you to know that I’m really sorry. And I would like you to absolve me and my disability sin” And my mother was like “Emily, get a grip.”
Kyle Khachadurian
She’s right. If you did that, you would have made it infinitely worse
Emily Ladau
Of course I would have. But I’m starting to realize now…
People who have listened to us for a long time, probably remember the episode prominently featuring my dad going off about that guy who followed us in the parking lot and try to pay us off.
Kyle Khachadurian
That’s right, yes.
Emily Ladau
Because he said something that insulted us so yeah, so basically, long story short is this guy was making a noxious jokes towards me and my mother, and we told him to like F off and he felt so bad that he drove up next to our car and tried to to get my dad to roll down the window so that he could hand them a $20 bill and got so mad when we wouldn’t accept his quote unquote apology even though it was offensive and I’m just like realizing now that when people realize they screwed up with something like that, they just really want to fix it. It’s like a human impulse, I think, or they don’t get the they screwed up. I don’t know. It’s one or the other.
Kyle Khachadurian
I don’t even know what’s worse.
If you don’t understand you something wrong, like how mad you be? But if you apologize to the point where it’s like, all you’re trying to do is make yourself feel better and not really apologizing for the thing you did. That’s a strange little dichotomy to me.
Emily Ladau
That’s true. And honestly, I feel like I’m probably telling this story in part to make myself feel better. But at the same time…
Kyle Khachadurian
You DEFINITELY are!
Emily Ladau
Yeah, no, but at the same time, I also am telling it because, you know, it’s good content, #content, but also because I really like to show people that my job is just not to complain about other people
Kyle Khachadurian
You should’ve went back and been like I am so sorry, but you have no idea that #content, this is gonna make on my podcast!
Emily Ladau
Actually, I did that on purpose, so that I can go have a conversation about it, please visit theaccessiblestall.com!
Kyle Khachadurian
It’s like a…
Emily Ladau
To hear yourself prominently featured!
Kyle Khachadurian
I think part of having a disability or at least being in the world of disability means that your life is gonna, you’re gonna, your life will be full of those weird little moments where you’re just not really thinking and you’re kind of acting on autopilot.
Emily Ladau
I think it also goes to show that you cannot be a spokesperson for disability
ever. Like if because I think that there’s this assumption from people that you know, one disabled person is representative of the whole community and automatic clean knows the etiquette and automatically knows how to behave around other disabled people. The reality is that I have had my fair share of being awkward around other disabled people, if not in the form of an obnoxious comment. Definitely when I was younger, especially in the form of being very uncomfortable being around other disabled people in a group and just somehow feeling like being around them made me appear more disabled or…
Kyle Khachadurian
I know exactly what you mean though.
Emily Ladau
Yeah, yeah. But it’s just like
it just goes to show that even disabled people can be weird around other disabilities.
Kyle Khachadurian
I had a funny little disability moment kind of the other day, a little bit so I get it I get it it’s it was it was over the internet so it wasn’t really the worst thing ever but I got this friend request from this this person with a disability and we had a few mutuals and I don’t really add strangers but we had enough mutuals where I’m like I might have known you at some point, you know, and so I add her and a couple days go by and I’m like, you know doing the thing where you pretend like you’re not stalking them to see who they are. But that’s exactly what I was doing. And I’m “like, man, I cannot place you.” So I sent her a message. And I’m like, “Hello! You added me. Would you mind please, telling me where you know me from? Because I swear to God, we’ve met and I cannot place you and it’s driving me crazy. Please help me.”
Emily Ladau
You do this a lot!
Kyle Khachadurian
I do that all the time. I don’t like I’m not opposed. Like, I will make that. Like, I will take that. If that’s awkward to you. That’s my fault. But like, I need to do it. I need to do it. It’s for me. It’s not you. Anyway. So she goes, you know, what’s funny, I was thinking the same thing. You look so familiar to me. And I don’t think we’ve met I’m like, well, but I guess that means we haven’t, anyway nice to meet you. And that was it.
Emily Ladau
How do you qualify that as an awkward disability moment, though? Was it one of those like, every disabled person knows every disabled person thing?
Kyle Khachadurian
Yes. And she looked vaguely like another person who I, I like pinned down an event that I was at. And she looked vaguely like another one, except that she didn’t. It’s just that they share the same disability. And it was like one of those where it’s like, oh, of course, I think it’s you because you have the same diagnosis. And you’re all looking like, of course, it was. It was weird. But, you know, she was she knew, she understood.
Emily Ladau
Oh… this is reminding me of something my mom did. Where she confused to disabled people. She be so mad that I’m telling this story, but I’m going to do it anyway. So we were at the Abilities Expo, which if you don’t know, it’s this big event for, you know, disabled people in the community and their families to learn about the latest and greatest and disability and technology and what’s out there and stuff. So
someone that I know comes over to me and says hi, and we’re chatting and she happens to be a little person. Now, I’m friends with multiple people who are a little people.
Kyle Khachadurian
Dude, this person was a little person too!
This is weird now. This is weird now. What are the odds that you were talking to this person that I didn’t know?
Emily Ladau
Imagine?! We’ll discuss that offline. But…
Kyle Khachadurian
Yeah, okay.
No, but I did what your mom did. I know what you’re gonna say.
Emily Ladau
Yeah, so. Okay. But my mom made it as bad as possible. So I’m having a conversation with this woman. And my mom goes “hi Becky.” And I was like, “mom this is, Leah. This is Leah, Mom.” And I was like, “Oh my God!”
Kyle Khachadurian
It was neither of them.
Emily Ladau
I was like you literally just
one little person for another. And the truth is
They look A little bit of like too
Kyle Khachadurian
I
I don’t know Leah. But I do know Becky and Becky and this person who I met didn’t meet also looks like her.
Yeah I know, I know, I know.
Emily Ladau
Oh god
Kyle Khachadurian
But I also I also know that if they stood next to each other they would absolutely look nothing alike
Emily Ladau
yeah and so
Leah, bless her, goes “oh it’s okay we get confused a lot” and I’m just like “ah s***” like this is so embarrassing
Kyle Khachadurian
She had to say that. You know why she says that all the time? It’s because everyone does that.
Emily Ladau
And my mother was mortified.
But it again, it just goes to show you like disabled people screw up too.
Kyle Khachadurian
Yeah
Emily Ladau
And when we do we do it bad
Kyle Khachadurian
Yeah,
yeah, we
I had a professor once confuse me with the other guy with CP in my class. Which was so… he was like, pale as a ghost and used a walker…And his name was also not Kyle Khachadurian. And that was another big, big part of why it was ridiculous.
Yeah, God…
Emily Ladau
I had a lot of train conductors who are like, “you were on my train to like this place last week, right?” And I was like, “no, I was not. Not every person in a wheelchair is the same person.”
Kyle Khachadurian
I have a question for you. Is it worse when they get it wrong? Or is it worse when they get it right?
Emily Ladau
If they get it right, that’s okay. Because it just means that they recognize me because I’m, I guess recognizable. But you know, I had this conductor tonight, actually, who was like, and this granted there’s a knowledge of disabled people screwing up being, but talking about awkward moments. So he was like, Hey, you were on my train last weekend, right? And he was like, so insistent. And I was like, you know, a lot of conductors say that there’s someone else that they’ve had on their routes before who looks like me? So maybe I have a doppelganger. And he goes, No, no, it’s definitely the glasses and the hair. And I was like, Oh, that’s it. Not big tank that I’m sitting in? And he’s insisting that I was on his train last Sunday. Last Sunday. I was in my car driving home from Connecticut. There’s no way I was on the train last Sunday. But he just going on and on. So finally, I was like, “Oh, yeah, you got me on the train on Sunday.” Like,
my gosh.
Kyle Khachadurian
You got to know just when they’re never going to take no for an answer. So you’re right, buddy. You got it.
Emily Ladau
That was me. Not one of the other billion people who use wheelchairs.
Kyle Khachadurian
Man
disability has plenty of awkward moments
Emily Ladau
it is ripe for awkward moments.
Kyle Khachadurian
I had a coworker once who had muscular dystrophy. He still does. He just said a coworker anymore. And we were at we were at a board meeting and one of the board members like walks into the room and goes to shake his hand. He can’t can’t shake. And so he just kind of smiles and shrugs in this. This. This man who is I guarantee that’s the first time it’s ever happened to him. He just smiled and did that awkward like arm slap thing that men do where he’s like, you know, he did that little smile. And he just slapped his arm.
Emily Ladau
any old pal thing? Yeah,
Kyle Khachadurian
yeah. Yeah, it was really funny.
Emily Ladau
Oh man.
Kyle Khachadurian
One time
Emily Ladau
Do we even have final takeaways from this?
Kyle Khachadurian
I don’t know. Oh, man. One time I was getting milkshakes with a friend.
Like we had to stand because it was crowded in the restaurant while we were waiting for a table and we were like, talking amongst ourselves she has CP too and she’ll hear this. We were talking amongst ourselves.
Emily Ladau
I know you’re talking about. Hi.
Kyle Khachadurian
Hello transcriber…! We were talking amongst ourselves about how we were standing and we would really like to sit and we were… I wouldn’t say were whispering because it was like a crowded restaurant. But we were standing really close to each other. Like I, you know, I would assume that we could only hear each other, right? Even though it was loud. And this man comes up to us. And he was like, excuse me? Would you like to sit down? And we did because we did want to sit down. But at the same time, I’m like, how did he hear us? He was not near where we were standing. It was really weird.
I don’t know. It was. I don’t know.
Emily Ladau
Thank you
for that story. Was that your final takeaway?
Kyle Khachadurian
Oh, my
final takeaway is disability is weird. And you should just laugh about it. Sometimes. I don’t know.
Emily Ladau
My final takeaway is that we are all imperfect beings. And we all need to work on what we say to people. Also. Don’t be that guy. Oh my God.
Kyle Khachadurian
and mistakes happen. And if you make a mistake, it’s better to just take it on the chin and own it then to beat yourself up over it and do a 31 minute podcast episode about it.
Emily Ladau
Also, don’t make the mistake again. If you can help it.
Kyle Khachadurian
Yeah, yeah, yeah, learn from it. And every person with a disability does not look the same, even though they obviously do.
Emily Ladau
Oh my goodness. So on that note, if you’d like to support more awkward stories for me accessible style, we encourage you to like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, follow us on Instagram. And if you really want to support it, you can go to patreon.com/theaccessiblestall. Even $1 a month helps that transcribe this podcast that we can make the accessible stall more accessible.
Kyle Khachadurian
Well, that was an awkward moment. Anyway,
Good night, everybody. Thanks for listening.
Emily Ladau
I’m Emily.
Kyle Khachadurian
I’m Kyle. And might we say You look great today.
Emily Ladau
Bye.
Kyle Khachadurian
See ya.