Emily Ladau:
Hi. I’m Emily Ladau.
Kyle Khachadurian:
And I’m Kyle Khachadurian.
Emily Ladau:
And you’re listening to another episode of The Accessible Stall.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Emily, where have we been? What are we going to talk about today?
Emily Ladau:
We were going to get onto a regular schedule again, and then instead, I took a nosedive out of a chair, and that’s where I’ve been ever since.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Yes. She had to go and break her bones.
Emily Ladau:
So, I guess strap in for Story Time, because that’s what this is going to be. An explanation of where I’ve been.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I think this is Story Time six.
Emily Ladau:
Okay. Where do I begin? It was the night of June 8th, 2021.
Kyle Khachadurian:
We were supposed to podcast about how we haven’t podcasted in a while. We had a topic too.
Emily Ladau:
We were ready. We were going to record that week.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Emily messages me at 2:00 in the morning my time or something like that. She’s like, “I can’t podcast. I broke my leg. I’m not kidding.”
Emily Ladau:
So, yeah. So I was in the emergency room. Should we backup? Should I tell the story in graphic detail?
Kyle Khachadurian:
I would love for you to. Trigger warning, a story about broken bones, which we [crosstalk 00:01:31].
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. Well, I didn’t even know that I had broken it initially. I knew something was wrong. But basically, it’s not even a good story. And this annoys me more than anything because Kyle and I zip lining once, okay? We literally went zip lining.
Kyle Khachadurian:
And nothing happened.
Emily Ladau:
And I was fine. So I’m aggressively angry about this story. But basically I have had, it’s in the garbage now, a water bottle and I had a tendency to knock it over. It would just be wobbly, and then I would go to move my table that I was working on, or I would shift my weight, and I would hit it and it would fall over. So on this particular night, June 8th, 2021, I was thirsty and knocked over my water bottle. So I leaned over in my recliner chair. And I was putting all my weight on my left foot, and I was balancing, and I was trying to reach the water bottle. You know that thing where you could just get up and pick it up, but you don’t?
Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah, or how you could get out of bed to charge your phone. If you just got out of bed and picked it up off the floor, but you can’t. So you become a trapeze artist or a contortionist, I should say. And you go… Yeah.
Emily Ladau:
Yes. So I did that. But the thing is that my arms actually don’t extend all the way. They only extend to about 90 degree angles. So I don’t have a ton of reach. And I was trying to go that extra little bit, putting all my weight into my left foot, just to get the water bottle off the floor. And instead, I lost my balance, fell completely sideways. And my foot, which was carrying all of my weight, twisted under me. And I just collapsed underneath my desk. And this is the story of why you shouldn’t pick up a water bottle.
Kyle Khachadurian:
And then?
Emily Ladau:
And then, I immediately started screaming, “Ow, ow, ow. Help, help, help, help, help, help,” over and over. And my dad came in, not initially because he heard me screaming. He heard the water bottle fell. Fall. He heard the water bottle fall.
Kyle Khachadurian:
That’s a dad move.
Emily Ladau:
And then he heard me screaming. And I’m just in a little pile under the desk going, “Call an ambulance.” And my mother comes in, calm as ever, and just goes, “Okay, I’m going to start putting clothes on.” Because we’re all in our pajamas, we’re… And then the ambulance people get there. And I knew, I knew something was wrong because I told my dad, I was like, “Don’t move me. Don’t touch me.” I was like, “I did something.” And then the ambulance people got there, and they put this temporary splint on my leg. And then, they brought me to the emergency room. And I’m going to spare everyone the details, but I was in the emergency room for a real long time, overnight. And then they come back finally towards the end of the whole situation, and they’re like, “Oh yeah, you broke it.” And I was like, “Oh.” They are not given me pain medication the whole time. So I was sitting there with a broken leg for hours, hours, hours, hours. I got sick from the pain, that’s how bad it was. No pain medication. Finally, they give me, I don’t know, Tylenol before I leave.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Sorry. That’s not funny. I shouldn’t laugh at you.
Emily Ladau:
No, it’s a little funny. So then I get home, and we’re like, “All right, how are we going to deal with a broken leg? This is fine.” And then two hours later, I’m getting into bed. We had got home at 4:00 in the morning. By 6:00 in the morning, we were trying to get me into bed. So I lay down and my dad is helping me shift my body weight. I put my arm up over my head because I wanted to put on my CPAP. And all of a sudden, I feel my shoulder dislocate. And I’m like, “You’re not going to believe this, but I’m going to need you to call an ambulance again. And my parents were just like, “Are you (beep) serious right now?” And I was like, “Yeah. No, my shoulder is not in its rightful place. Call an ambulance again.” So this is the story of how I went to the emergency room twice in 24 hours. Honestly, I think I told it more emphatically three weeks ago, but I’m just exhausted and irritated now. And on top of that, the fracture in my leg got worse. So now I’m having surgery to fix it next week. So…
Kyle Khachadurian:
So that’s why the only thing you’ve seen from us over the past month is two photos of us with fruit filters on our faces.
Emily Ladau:
Oh, I forgot about those. Yeah, that was just Kyle trying to cheer me up. He had sent me something in the mail, and he wanted me to open it on camera for him. And then we started playing with filters.
Kyle Khachadurian:
As we do. Did you learn anything from your stay?
Emily Ladau:
I learned that hospitals are garbage. I learned that I have very brittle bones that I need to take better care of, which I already knew, and there are medications out there that I should have been taking, but wasn’t. So that’s my bad. I learned that you never pick up a water bottle, no matter how thirsty you are. I learned you don’t put your arm over your head, no matter how much you want to put your breathing machine on. And also, I stayed at a rehab facility for a few days, basically like a nursing home. And I was reminded of why disabled people fight so vehemently for home and community based services instead of staying in nursing homes.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I have a related story, but if your story equivalent to breaking your leg, my story is my ears were clogged.
Emily Ladau:
Okay.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I didn’t tell you this at all. And it’s the closest relevant story that I have. It’s not even remotely similar. The only thing is, I had to go to urgent care. So I woke up-
Emily Ladau:
I’m ready for this.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I woke up and I realized… I was like, “Hey self, it’s been a while since we’ve cleaned her ears.”
Emily Ladau:
When was this, by the way?
Kyle Khachadurian:
This was also in June or late May.
Emily Ladau:
Oh, okay.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I just didn’t want to bother you with this story after… Because I’m not one to one up a story anyway, but you can’t follow up, “I broke my leg,” with, “Oh, yeah? Well, my ears were clogged. So there was also…”
Emily Ladau:
Look, I know the misery of clogged ears though, so I’m not mad at it.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Well, it’s happened once before. So one day, a long time ago, I woke up deaf in one ear. And I was dizzy and nauseous because it affects your balance, and I did not know that. I mean, I knew that from a science textbook, but it doesn’t really tell you. It just says it… Experiencing something and knowing that it happens are two different things. So I wasn’t worried the second time, except for when my remedies didn’t work. And so then I started-
Emily Ladau:
Do you do the whole baking soda, or vinegar, or whatever it is?
Kyle Khachadurian:
Oh, I did peroxide. That didn’t work.
Emily Ladau:
Oh, that’s what it is.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I sent Courtney to the store to get an ear bulb washer thing, which exists.
Emily Ladau:
Oh, isn’t that the thing where you shoot water in your ear?
Kyle Khachadurian:
Oh, yeah. That didn’t help either. So I had to go to urgent care. And I thought, “This is ridiculous.” So I get to urgent care, and I couldn’t even get an Uber, because I couldn’t hear anything. So I had to rudimentarily sign, which I can’t do. I don’t know anything. I know zero sign language. I know more Japanese than sign language. Just not at all, but I got there, and went to urgent care. And then I sat there, and the nurse called me, and she was like, “I need to ask you a few questions. Are you being abused at home? How much do you weigh?” And I’m like, “This is great and all, but my ears are clogged, and I would be much more happy to answer these questions if I could hear you.” And so, two hours later the doctor sees me. And she looks at me and she goes, “Hey, your ears are clogged. Did you know that?” And I’m like, “No, I had no clue. I just thought I’d check up on you guys.”
Kyle Khachadurian:
And then, this technician person comes in, and she’s got a spray bottle with saline in it. And on the end of the spray bottle is this long, it almost looks a McDonald’s straw. But it’s thin, and it’s supposed to go in your ear. And you’re just supposed to let them do that like that’s not the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen. And she sprayed, and sprayed, and I freaked out. I was having a sensory overload moment, because first of all, the feeling of water in your ears is terrible. And then all of a sudden, everything got loud, and I was making noises that I didn’t know I was making. The poor person in the bed next to me, because she took me back to where patients are. I don’t know what was going on with this person that was having a real health problem, but they must have hated him for about 10 minutes. And then she was like, “Why don’t you clean your ears?” I’m like, “I do. This just happens.” And I’m getting lectured on how to clean your ears, and I’m like, “I don’t need this.” And then, three weeks later, I get a bill in the mail and I’m like, “Eff the American healthcare system.” It was only $55, but can you think of a dumber thing to spend $55 on?
Emily Ladau:
Did you go to the doctor and get it cleaned out properly?
Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. That’s what urgent care was. I had to do that.
Emily Ladau:
Oh, I thought maybe you went to an EMT or something, and actually got it properly taken out.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. An EMT saw me, but the only way I could get an EMT that day, because it was a Sunday or something. Yeah, that’s my story about the American healthcare system.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. I’m just super over the American healthcare system at the moment, especially because I’ve also been going through now a bunch of presurgical testing, and I’m just reminded of what a complete circus it is to hurry up, show up on time, and then wait for seven hours so that they can ask you the same questions 100 times. And on top of that, I keep having to explain what I did to everyone. Everyone wants the full story, but then they also want to know, on top of that, why I’m in a wheelchair, because you don’t get a fancy power wheelchair for breaking your leg.
Kyle Khachadurian:
You do. [inaudible 00:12:58].
Emily Ladau:
You don’t.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I know you don’t. I know you don’t, but they don’t know that. Maybe you’re special. Maybe you did.
Emily Ladau:
Well, then so I was getting an echocardiogram, a heart test, and the tech goes, “Yeah, they don’t just give wheelchairs to people who break their legs. So I knew something was wrong with you.” And I was like, “Sir.”
Kyle Khachadurian:
“Let me explain to you exactly why, because I’ve got nothing but time, and I just wrote a book.”
Emily Ladau:
Okay, well, truth be told, I really, I thought I was going to be more emphatic in my storytelling on this podcast, but I’ve just realized I’m mostly fed up with my body. So I can’t even make it funny anymore. Yeah, I just wrote a whole book on disability, and now I’m currently very mad at my disability.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I think that’s totally valid though, right? I mean, we talked about this a little bit before, but hating your body, or at least, sorry, being angry at it, being at odds with it is something I think that is universally known or felt in the disability world.
Emily Ladau:
I think so too. But we can’t tell people that, or can we? I don’t know.
Kyle Khachadurian:
See, that’s the thing. I mean, we could tell each other that, and we can tell you that, but I don’t like talking about that. And it’s not because I’m not ashamed to. I mean, it sucks. I don’t like it, but the reason I don’t do it is because the other person, unless it’s someone who also has something, doesn’t have to be CP. You don’t have CP. But if I know the other person doesn’t get it, it’s like I can see a slot machine going off in their head coming up with reasons as to why it must suck to be disabled or something. And it’s like, “No, there’s plenty reasons it sucks to be disabled. This isn’t one of them. You’re not even right about why you’re wrong.”
Emily Ladau:
You’re not even right about why you’re wrong. But I mean, being disabled is kind of a real pain in the butt.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Oh yeah.
Emily Ladau:
Well, we’ve talked about that before too. We’ve done episodes on this before. This is not a news flash, but there needs to be some kind of balance between explaining that disability can suck, but also can you stop it with your obnoxious stereotyping, and stigmatizing, and judging, and othering?
Kyle Khachadurian:
I just wonder is it possible to talk about disability without being… This is going to sound so privileged. I’m sorry because I know every other marginalized group is going to be like, “Of course not.” But prejudged. I just would love it, I would love it if something that I said related to disability doesn’t come with strings. And I know that’s the point of our whole show. But I feel like when we talk about the negative aspects of disability, that’s when it’s out in full force. When you talk about the positive stuff, yes you have inspiration porn, and pity porn, and stuff that. And that’s bad, but that’s a little bit harder to explain because it’s a little bit esoteric. But when you’re like, “Oh, my body’s in pain,” the automatic response is, “Well, it sucks to be you, doesn’t it?” Well, yeah, but not because… I’m just having a bad day. You don’t even know.
Emily Ladau:
Although, and I say this with all love, and I think you know this too, but it’s funny because when someone is like… Or when I say, “My body is hurting,” or whatever for disability-related reason, and then someone’s like, “Oh man, yeah. My back is killing me.” So when I was telling my broken leg story, and then you were like, “I had my ear cleaned.”
Kyle Khachadurian:
No, that’s a good one. That’s what I’m saying.
Emily Ladau:
But you acknowledged that you were doing it.
Kyle Khachadurian:
That’s what I’m saying. Yeah. I only said that because that’s the medical story I had. I didn’t have… No, but you’re exactly… I just did it.
Emily Ladau:
Although I’m well aware you weren’t doing it intentionally.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I was in a wheelchair for three days after I sprained my ankle going skiing.
Emily Ladau:
Although now I actually… Did I tell you this in the emergency room? Maybe I did, because I was delirious, and I know I was… I don’t know what time I was texting you, but about how now I can actually be like, “Oh, yeah. I broke my leg, so I totally get it.” You know how people do that?
Kyle Khachadurian:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Emily Ladau:
They’re like, “Oh, yeah. It must be so hard to be in a wheelchair, because one time I broke my leg, and it was really hard for me to use the stairs. And so now I totally understand what it’s like to use the wheelchair. And wow, I just, I get it now.”
Kyle Khachadurian:
And we said this too. They say that. And for however long they were in that wheelchair, used that wheelchair, it’s true. But then they won’t do anything with it. It’s like, “Okay. Yeah, you got the tiniest little taste of it.” That’s like if you’re 10, and your parent lets you have a sip of an alcoholic beverage, because they know you’ll hate it, and then you walk around thinking you’re an alcoholic. It’s just not. It’s just, it’s-
Emily Ladau:
What a comparison. [crosstalk 00:18:55].
Kyle Khachadurian:
It’s just what it is.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. You say this a lot though, almost every time we end up talking about stuff like this, like, “Okay great. What are you going to do with that now?” Like, “Okay, you feel this way. What are you going to do about it?”
Kyle Khachadurian:
Well, see, but I don’t like… You’re right, I totally say that every time, but I get a little pissed at myself because I don’t actually know what a good answer would be, because I know, because we’ve had this discussion about skepticism. If that person who broke their leg, and realized the city isn’t accessible, so now they’re on a crusade to make every curb cut, or every corner in their city curb cut, I would be skeptical of that. And honestly, if I heard their story about how they were in a wheel chair once, and they realized the injustice, I probably would laugh at them, to be honest. And that’s my fault. So I don’t know what my ideal scenario would be.
Emily Ladau:
I think, and I don’t want to repeat the skepticism episode, but I do find myself feeling like we need to give the benefit of the doubt to people who take on those crusades. I know there’s a woman who was injured by a train in New York City, and then ended up running for city council, and her whole platform was around accessibility. And so, but I guess the thing is that is actually what I want you to do about it, but I don’t expect every single person to run for city council.
Kyle Khachadurian:
No, that would be… Yeah, that would do it for me.
Emily Ladau:
So yeah, I think it’s just I don’t want you to be disingenuous, and suddenly make it all about you, and you’re doing a good deed. I would rather you be like, “Wow, this really made me recognize a gap in my experience and my knowledge. And now I want to do something about it.”
Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah.
Emily Ladau:
But anyway, the point is that now I, Emily Ladau, have broken my leg, and I totally get it. I don’t know [crosstalk 00:21:16].
Kyle Khachadurian:
Can I ask you a serious question?
Emily Ladau:
Oh, yeah. Is it actually serious?
Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah, yeah. It’s going to sound silly, but I promise you it’s not. So obviously breaking your leg… Actually, I don’t know. I’m assuming breaking your leg sucks. I’ve never broken a bone.
Emily Ladau:
It sucks.
Kyle Khachadurian:
But because you use a wheelchair and you don’t walk, was breaking your leg as annoying for you as dislocating your shoulder?
Emily Ladau:
Both were annoying for different reasons. So I use my upper body so heavily that dislocating my shoulder, and not being allowed to use it has been really frustrating, especially because I was relying on my upper body even more because I can’t put weight on my left leg because it’s broken. And I think there’s a misconception about wheelchair users, that none of them use their lower body at all. And for me, even though I can’t walk or stand up, I balance on my lower body when I’m moving from my wheelchair to my bed, or my wheelchair to the toilet, or whatever the case may be. And so losing the entire left side of my body, because I couldn’t put weight on my left arm, and I couldn’t put weight on my left leg, was annoying, because all of a sudden, transferring, which is a thing that I would do without giving it a second thought, became this dangerous stressful activity that I need help with.
Emily Ladau:
So I’m not getting myself in and out of bed by myself right now, for example. And that is something that I was so used to just doing whenever I felt it, and now I’m on someone else’s schedule because I need help. And so in a way, I’m grappling with becoming more disabled, which is an interesting feeling for me, albeit temporary. But I feel like we don’t talk about that. Even disabled people can be like, “Yeah, wow. Being disabled is hard actually.”
Kyle Khachadurian:
Would you say that it was a mini empathy exercise for able-bodied folks who realize that they’re acquiring a disability?
Emily Ladau:
Yes.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Because I know that we like to say… I know we make fun of empathy exercises. And I also know that we like to say when someone becomes disabled, “Welcome to the fold.” But we don’t talk about how traumatic and grief stricken they’re feeling, mostly because we were born this way. We don’t know. But for a brief second, you sure did. And yeah, that is as a gap in my knowledge in the same exact way that my question to you was.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. I think, in a way, it has been a reverse empathy exercise. It’s so weird to think about it that way, but yeah, for sure. And honestly at this point, I don’t know. I’m not friends with my body. I’m just trying to deal with it long enough to get it back to where I’m used to it being. And I almost feel like I’m being ableist against myself, if that makes sense. Internalized ableism, if you will.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Are you ever friends with your… Have you ever been friends with your… Because I haven’t. I haven’t. I’ve always said CP is like a roommate that never does the dishes, but they can’t leave.
Emily Ladau:
I mean, I guess that’s a fair assessment. Yeah. I will say that I have not hated my body this much in a very long time.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Okay.
Emily Ladau:
Right now, my body can go take a long hike and I would be fine with that. But there have been times where I’ve been more at peace with my body and been like, “Yeah, being disabled is not so bad.” And I still don’t think it’s so bad. I just think that we live in a world that makes it very frustrating to be disabled. And then on top of that, I also think it’s funny that people say, “Oh, being disabled is a societal problem, and it’s society that disables the person.” No, this is all my body. This is my body.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I have always, when discussing models of disability, obviously the social model is the most accepted, I guess, in our community, but in the situation you just gave, there is merit to medical model too. And I’m not saying that to defend it. Obviously, it’s not the preferred one for a bunch of different very good reasons, but I do think it’s important for us to remember sometimes it is just our body.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. No amount of making the world a more disability friendly place is going to change the fact that I nosedived off a chair. And you know it.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I mean, what if you replace all the floors in your house with beanbags?
Emily Ladau:
I mean, yeah, I could arguably just rubber pad the entire house, but-
Kyle Khachadurian:
No, then you can’t wheelchair around it.
Emily Ladau:
I think the real frustrating thing is that now I’ve just been noticing how frequently I knock over water bottles.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. That’s the worst of it. You’re right.
Emily Ladau:
Water bottles and I are not friends right now.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Does this bother you?
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. I love drinking water.
Kyle Khachadurian:
No. I meant the fact that I’m holding my water bottle in front of my camera.
Emily Ladau:
Oh.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I also love drinking water.
Emily Ladau:
You mean actually consuming water in front of me? No, I have a water bottle here too, but I’ve already knocked this over a few times also. I just, I’m not picking it up. And I’m not even being funny here. I’m being serious. I think I have a little bit of PTSD in the moment. I keep replaying the moment in my head of going to pick up the water bottle and just wishing that I hadn’t done it. And also, when people pick things up in front of me now, I’m like, “Oh my God. Please hold on to something. Oh my God. Don’t fall.” And-
Kyle Khachadurian:
I know. That’s legit.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. So if you drop something, for the love of God, be careful when you pick it up. Oh my God.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). I don’t know how reckless I am when I pick stuff up. I genuinely don’t because I always hold on to stuff. But I don’t have to. I just do because that’s how I learned when I was a kid. I can balance without it, but I just do it because that’s how I’ve always done it.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah, I had nothing really in front of me that was solid enough for me to be holding onto. And I knew better and I did it anyway.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Have you tried being less disabled?
Emily Ladau:
I’ve tried that. Turns out that was not the direction my body wished to take. So we’ve had to reevaluate. And still disabled. So disabled, so disabled.
Kyle Khachadurian:
So what we were going to talk about, and we will talk about in the future, before this happened was what level of looking like disabled… We’re willing to take it. It was going to be this really nice introspection, sort of like our gender episode. We’re going to go really deep into our own internalized ableism of what it means look disabled. And [crosstalk 00:29:37].
Emily Ladau:
Oh my God, that was what we were going to do before all this happened.
Kyle Khachadurian:
And no, we should do that. But I guess the question I’m trying to ask, right, is did it bother you? I mean purely from a perspective of, obviously it bothered you that you were less independent, but did it bother you that people might assume it before they knew? Even though, I mean, I’m going to say, it’s probably a fair assumption to make. But still, the fact that now people are feeling bad for you, not just because of the wheelchair, but also, now you have this other visual cue that there’s something wrong. I use those words very loosely, but you know what I’m saying.
Emily Ladau:
No. I get it. I mean, I’ve noticed in the couple of times that I have left my house since all of this, I can’t tell if people think it makes more sense that I’m in the chair now, just because I have a cast on my leg so they’re like, “Oh yeah, something is definitely up with her.” But they definitely still are checking out of the situation, trying to figure out what’s going on. So, I suppose in the moment, I look more disabled, but maybe also more legitimate. I don’t know. I’m so aware of the ableism behind what I’m saying. I’m just trying to think of it from a non-disabled person’s perspective.
Kyle Khachadurian:
That’s really interesting though. It’s funny because it occurs to me… Oh, yeah. We really need to talk about this now because I’m getting so many thoughts. But it occurs to me when you see a presumably able-bodied presenting person who has a cast on their leg and two underarm crutches, you don’t think that they’re disabled. You just think that they hurt themself.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah.
Kyle Khachadurian:
And if you take the cast away, all of a sudden, now they’re disabled. But they could have a different injury somewhere that you… It could be under their clothes. It could be anything. And I don’t know. It’s not really that interesting, but this is what I was thinking about.
Emily Ladau:
No. It’s something that I think about, visible indicators of disability. And right now, I suppose I have an extra indicator that shows. But to me it shows injury, not disability. And I know that injuries can cause disability. And I know that injuries are, in many cases, disability. But-
Kyle Khachadurian:
No, but I know you’re saying.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I know. Yeah. Injuries that can eventually heal and have no lasting effects.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. Internally, it’s definitely going to. They’re adding some hardware to put it back in place. So I continue to become slightly more bionic by the day, which is fine. But yeah, it’s an entirely new experience for me. And I feel like there are so many people who are probably just like, “Shut up, Emily. We deal with varying levels of physical independence, or lack thereof, every day.” And it’s like, “Yeah, so do I, but this is a new one for me. So I’m now seeing it from yet another fresh perspective.”
Kyle Khachadurian:
I mean, I think that’s a valid though because as disabled people, right, we’re used to what we can and can’t do. We are very used to it. We take it for granted, and we wreck… Well, we don’t take it for granted because we can recognize it. But then once we recognize it, then we start taking for granted, right?
Emily Ladau:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Kyle Khachadurian:
And so, any change in that, even if it’s better somehow. If you were able to do something you couldn’t do, I would be suspicious. I would still be like, “What happened? What’s wrong with me? Why can I do this now?” So any change in your ability level, if you’re not someone that goes through semi regular changes, is very jarring for people like me and you, I assume.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. And also, just in general, as I’m getting older because somehow we’re going to be 30 next month.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Jesus Christ.
Emily Ladau:
You’re welcome for that reminder. The older I get, the more I’m just, “Oh, that’s a new crack. That’s a new crunch. That’s a new pain. That’s the new thing that my body’s doing.”
Kyle Khachadurian:
Put that on the list.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. And I know everybody says they have that when they get older, but I feel it’s amplified when you’re disabled.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah, because if you’re not disabled… I almost did the thing I don’t like when people do.
Emily Ladau:
What?
Kyle Khachadurian:
You say able-bodied instead of not disabled.
Emily Ladau:
Oh, yeah.
Kyle Khachadurian:
It’s a pet peeve. I don’t actually actively dislike people. But anyway, because when you’re not disabled, you can attribute any new thing to aging. Your body changes. It’s like, “Well, I either need to see a doctor immediately, or it’s just him getting older. It’s one of those two things.” We have a third thing.
Emily Ladau:
We’re like, “Oh, is this a new disability thing? Oh, what a fun discovery.”
Kyle Khachadurian:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. And so I guess this my new disability thing. Yay.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah. I mean, I’m not upset about it, and I also don’t want one, but I haven’t had new disability things in a while. And I’m just waiting for that other shoe to drop.
Emily Ladau:
It will drop, my friend.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I know.
Emily Ladau:
And when it does, I will be here for you. And I realize I could be like, “No, that’s never going to happen.” But I feel like that would make me more of a jerk.
Kyle Khachadurian:
It’ll happen. And it’ll be okay, probably.
Emily Ladau:
You are definitely going to be okay because I’m definitely going to be okay.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I had to come to terms that I might need hand controls to drive, maybe. I still don’t know. I still have no idea. But I had to deal with that, I might actually need them. And that was a bit of a trip because I never thought I would care. I care a little bit.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. [crosstalk 00:35:39].
Kyle Khachadurian:
But I still might not need them because I don’t know. So I don’t want to care too much, because if it ends up being that I don’t need them, then why did I care that much?
Emily Ladau:
I use hand controls, they ain’t so bad. Well, I’m not driving now.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Could you?
Emily Ladau:
But I’m not driving just because it’s, between my shoulder and my leg, it’s just too much. But hand controls are good. You should get them.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Yeah.
Emily Ladau:
Do it.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I just don’t want to go to the DMV and have them evaluate me, and it’s… God.
Emily Ladau:
You’re going to-
Kyle Khachadurian:
But that’s a different story for the next Story Time. So, unless Emily breaks another bone.
Emily Ladau:
Knock on wood. I think I just knocked out some plastic.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I was going to say does fake wood count? Because I just knocked on that.
Emily Ladau:
This is some fake-ass wood that I just knocked on.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Okay, well then, it counts.
Emily Ladau:
Then it’s fine. But do we even have final takeaways? I’m so sorry if this episode was just me being a downer. I’m in one of those moods today.
Kyle Khachadurian:
It’s okay. I’m usually the downer, so it’s nice coming from you.
Emily Ladau:
It’s a good switch.
Kyle Khachadurian:
No. You did good. My final takeaway, I’m not going to make yours for you, but I bet I could guess one for you. But my final takeaway is try not to break your bones if you can help it.
Emily Ladau:
Thanks. Yeah, everybody’s like-
Kyle Khachadurian:
And I really do [crosstalk 00:37:13], inclusive to people who do brittle bone disabilities. There are quite a few of them.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. I mean, mine is definitely on the list of brittle bone related disabilities, and sometimes you just can’t help it. Sometimes your body’s just like, “Crack, ha, ha, ha.” So…
Kyle Khachadurian:
Do you have a final takeaway?
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. My final takeaway is don’t pick things up off the floor ever.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I was going to say-
Emily Ladau:
If the water bottle falls on the floor, it lives there now. Do you understand?
Kyle Khachadurian:
Get someone more able-bodied to get it for you. Call a taxi, have them come into your house and get your water bottle.
Emily Ladau:
Maybe the fire department.
Kyle Khachadurian:
“Oh, yeah. There’s no fire, and there’s no cat in a tree. I just dropped my water bottle. No, you don’t understand. I’m in a wheelchair.” “We’ll be right over.”
Emily Ladau:
So yeah, that’s… No. My actual final takeaway is it’s hard to make peace with your body sometimes and that’s okay.
Kyle Khachadurian:
This has been another episode of The Accessible Stall.
Emily Ladau:
Thank you so much for listening.
Kyle Khachadurian:
This bathroom just keeps getting wider.
Emily Ladau:
What gets wider?
Kyle Khachadurian:
The bathroom, because now your leg is propped up [crosstalk 00:38:35].
Emily Ladau:
Oh, yeah, I know. Now I need more space in this accessible stall. Everybody please make way. I have a cast on my leg now.
Kyle Khachadurian:
I am Kyle. She is Emily.
Emily Ladau:
That’s me.
Kyle Khachadurian:
And if you would like support more Story Time episodes like this, you can donate to our show at patreon.com/theaccessiblestall. Just $1 a month ensures that all current and future episodes of The Accessible Stall remain accessible.
Emily Ladau:
Can I say something annoying?
Kyle Khachadurian:
Absolutely.
Emily Ladau:
They could donate to make The Accessible Stall more accessible if they feel bad for me because I’m injured.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Oh, yeah. Emily is literally a pile of jelly. So if you’ve ever had the inclination to cry at a disability story on the news, just send that our way. Send those tears [crosstalk 00:39:27].
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. If you’re inspired that I sat up long enough to record this episode-
Kyle Khachadurian:
I sure am.
Emily Ladau:
If you’re inspired that I continue to persevere, in spite of the fact that my leg is on fire, give us your money.
Kyle Khachadurian:
We want it. And we’ll make good use of it too. We’ll even say your name at the beginning of the show.
Emily Ladau:
Yeah. If you donate $500 once a month, every month for 12 months, we’ll give you a shout out on the show. I’m just kidding. I’m being a real jerk right now.
Kyle Khachadurian:
She is just kidding, but if you do that, we promise we will hold to that thing that she said.
Emily Ladau:
I’m afraid to say it, but we could rename it The Accessible Stall by-
Kyle Khachadurian:
Presented by.
Emily Ladau:
Presented by the person who became our benefactor.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Good night everybody. Next time we podcast, we will do the episode we set out to do, unless Emily or I hurts ourselves.
Emily Ladau:
Let’s not do that. Let’s talk about internalized ableism next time.
Kyle Khachadurian:
Hooray. That’s [crosstalk 00:40:38]. We should do that. Good night everybody.
Emily Ladau:
Thanks so much for listening.
Kyle Khachadurian:
See you next time.
Emily Ladau:
Bye.